


Selfish White Lily

by SamuraiPanda



Series: iKON YunChan Hanahaki AU [1]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, brief appearance of other members
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 15:08:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14571636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamuraiPanda/pseuds/SamuraiPanda
Summary: Yunhyeong realizes something, but he decides to shoulder it.He will do anything for his happiness, even if it means making sacrifices of his own.





	Selfish White Lily

**(Purple) Lilac - First Signs of Love**

 

They used to be so close.

Back then, they used to be so close. Nearly inseparable.

Always right beside one another, from the waking moments until the fading of the sun. They were together.

Were.

Yunhyeong does not know what happened between them, or why. But it just did. They just…drifted. He did not notice anything at first, but as time passes, he slowly realizes that whenever he turns to face beside him, the person he expects to stand there is nearly always no longer there.

_What happened?_

_‘I don’t know’_

What he does know is that it’s too much. The pain. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

What once was gentle and fond side glances at each other now becomes a distant, longing gaze at a familiar back that feels all too unfamiliar to him.

That’s where it hurts.

The unfamiliar familiar back is accompanied by a much smaller one, one that he too knows well.

That’s where it hurts the most.

The playful and soft looks are still there, only it’s not him that’s receiving it.

_Merely a bystander now. A watcher from a great distance._

How he longs to go back to what was once before. But things change, people grow and move on. He was always open to change.

But this change…

He does not like this one bit.

_‘There’s nothing you can do. He’s growing up, he can do what he wants. What right do you have to continue to demand for his attention?’_

A sharp sting to his chest caused Yunhyeong’s throat to tighten, inhaling sharply as his chest tightens.

That’s right.

What right does he really have? They’re friends, nothing more, nothing less.

In the middle of the night, Yunhyeong woke up due to having a hard time breathing. He scrambles to sit up as he was taking deep gasps of breath but was interrupted by a coughing fit. He clenches his chest as he had his mouth covered, hoping to muffle the sound as he does not want to wake anyone up.

As the coughing fit dies down, he wheezes and slowly removes his hand from his mouth, taking slow and deep breaths. He pauses, however, when he felt something in his hand. He opens his eyes and slowly glances at his slightly shaking first. He opens it, choking back a sob as he sees a single purple lilac petal.

_'No..._

_It can’t be..._

_Please don’t.'_

He was jolted back to reality when a knock followed by his name being called was heard. He hurriedly disposes the petal into his trash bin, staring at it incredulously, desperately not wanting to believe it.

“Yunhyeong-ah? Everything alright?”

A small whimper escapes his mouth, but he quickly clamps his hands over it and squeezes his eyes shut, trying so hard to control the tremors that’s starting to wrack his body.

“Yun?” The sound of a hand grabbing the doorknob becomes apparent. “I’m coming—”

“Don’t.” He is proud of himself for managing to regain the steadiness of his voice.

“What’s wrong?” _Please…_

“Nothing, hyung. Just a bad dream.” ' _How desperately I wish it was…'_

“Are you sure? Do you want to talk about it?” _'Never'_

“It’s nothing, hyung. Really. Let’s go to sleep. I’m sorry for waking you up.” ' _Just go.'_

“…alright. But if you want to talk about it, I’m here okay?” ' _Just go…'_

“Thank you, hyung.” ' _I beg you.'_

Yunhyeong opens his eyes and immediately glances at the doorknob, seeing it clicking back to place as it has been released followed by fading footsteps. He slowly lowers his hands to grip the sheets as he bites his lips, squeezing his eyes shut as he hung his head in shame.

_'I'm sorry.'_

* * *

**(Violet) Saffron Meadow - My Happiest Days are Past**

 

How much can one person suffer?

_'I can’t do this.'_

Yunhyeong continues to smile his ever-radiant smile. Maybe he’s getting good at it—masking his feelings. No one notices how the corner of his lips quivers ever so slightly. No one notices how his cheeks ache from trying. No one notices how his smile never reaches his eyes anymore.

And so, he watches. He watches all of them having fun. He watches them joyfully laughing and slinging their arms around one another. He watches how his eyes crinkle with mirth, how his nose scrunches ever so slightly, how his dimples—oh god his dimples—appearing happily.

_'He looks so happy…'_

He laughs along them, but when he felt his throat beginning to tighten, he excuses himself to the bathroom. Making sure that the bathroom is completely empty and that no one was following him, he locks himself inside. He pulls out his handkerchief and presses it against his mouth as he finally coughs, desperately trying to silence it.

After it ended, Yunhyeong was scared. He was scared to look at it, but he can’t avoid it. Slowly, he lowers his handkerchief and opens his eyes and looks at it. Innocently lying on his yellow handkerchief was two petals of saffron meadow.

Exhausted, he leans his head back against the door and closes his eyes, swallowing thickly.

_'As long as he is happy, then there’s nothing else I can do._

_As long as he is happy, there’s nothing else I will ever ask of._

_As long as he is happy, I am content.'_

* * *

**(White) Primrose - I Can't Live Without You**

 

Ever since the beginning, they’ve been together.

_“I guess it’s my fault for getting attached almost immediately…”_

Yunhyeong gazes at him from small glass pane of the door. Looks like the three of them are playing. He exhales softly, watching the bright expression of the person who he misses the most. The smile seems to never be leaving his face.

He looks genuinely happy.

He’s growing up to be a fine man. Someone who can live on his own and perhaps even not being affected much by his surroundings.

_'It’s a nice sight…'_

Yunhyeong chokes a bit, clamping his mouth shut as he crouches down in the middle of the corridor. When he heard the three yelling and shouting in glee about defeating the enemy, he releases his cough. Small tears slowly forming as he forces his cough out, wanting it to end before the three quieted down.

He was successful, tired but successful. The three are still being loud, unaware of the pain that was happening outside. Yunhyeong pants softly as he unclamps his mouth, staring at the three petals of white primrose lying on his palms. He stares at it for a few more seconds before letting the petals fall from his palms onto the cold, hard floor. He then stands, taking one last glance at the three—at him—then he leaves.

* * *

 

**(Yellow) Hyacinth - Jealousy**

 

Sometimes, Yunhyeong wants to scream.

Sometimes, Yunhyeong wants to walk up to them and pull him back.

Sometimes, Yunhyeong wants to get him back.

But most of the time, Yunhyeong stays away.

He can’t stand it—those soft touches. One to the cheek, one to the hair, and one to the nape.

It feels too real.

_Too intimate._

But the expressions that comes as a result of the touches.

That feels too much.

His chest tightens whenever he sees his gaze softening, his grin shifting to a smile. The touches reciprocated.

He dislikes it.

_Hate is a strong word._

He dislikes it so much.

_Does it rile him up?_

_Maybe._

_But he won’t admit it, and he never will._

He can’t handle it much more. And so he turns around and walks away, his hand coming up to cover his mouth as he coughs again. But this time, he does not bother to look at it. He simply lets the breeze carry off the four petals of yellow hyacinth. Far away where he hopes it will vanish forever.

* * *

**(Yellow, White & Purple) Heart’s Ease Pansy – Think of Me**

 

Yunhyeong certainly misses those times wherein he would always be the first one that the other will contact. Even if living under the same room, he knows that he’s the first person that the other will text.

Yunhyeong certainly misses those times wherein he would be the answer to the question asked by other people to the other. Even if his other friends says otherwise, he knows that he’s the first person that pops into the other’s mind.

Yunhyeong certainly misses those times wherein he would be the one whom the other would approach whenever he wants something. Even if he isn’t really good at games or catching, he knows that he’s the first person that the other will ask for company.

But now.

Yunhyeong’s no longer the first one.

Sometimes, he thinks if he had been forgotten. If his existence had been truly replaced by another one. His thoughts—most of them—have been confirmed through his very eyes. He now sees them, playing together outside. Wrestling with one another. Being picked by one another.

Sometimes, he thinks that it’s unfair.

Most of the times, however, he thinks that this is just the way how it should.

As he watches them from inside, he brings his hand up to cover his mouth as he coughs again, this time it was longer, and it hurts much more.

_'This pain is nothing compared to the pain that my heart feels.'_

He lowers his hand as he smiles and waves back when the two waves at him. And so, he continues to watch them with a small yet sad smile and lets the five petals of heart’s ease pansy slowly fall from his hand.

* * *

**(Pink) Carnation - I'll Never Forget You**

 

When he woke up that morning, Yunhyeong was greeted by the presence of a pounding headache. He stays in bed, unable to open his eyes due to the blaring light. The others are busy, and he is grateful for that. For once, Yunhyeong is thankful for being alone. He doesn’t know how long he can endure before it breaks.

Thinking back to the past, he notices that every vivid memory that he has involves him. He couldn’t even accurately remember what happened three weeks ago before this all started. But the memories from years ago—the specific memories—he can clearly recall as if it was just yesterday.

Yunhyeong exhales shakily, his throat tightening again. This time, however, it wasn’t because of another incoming coughing fit, but it’s because of throbbing ache and the pain that he feels roaring in his chest. He slings an arm over his eyes and swallows thickly once again, inhaling deeply and exhaling shakily.

He knows that there’s a way out of this. He knows that he’s still not too far into it. He knows that he can still be saved.

_If he wants to be saved._

Biting his lower lip, Yunhyeong begins to ponder. Does he want to lose his feelings for him and live? Does he want to forget the fond memories that caused his feelings to bloom? Does he want to unlove the person that he has been loving even before he become aware of his feelings?

_No._

_Never._

Yunhyeong continues his breathing, though each exhale becomes more unstable as his shoulders begins to tremble. He bites his lower lip hard to cease it from wobbling.

_‘I’d rather die than to stop loving him.’_

He then begins to cough, but this time, he doesn’t bother covering or silencing it. He lets his cough out freely along with his tears. The tears that he has been holding ever since.

_‘If I were to die, I would happily go as long as the last thing I feel is my heart beating once more just for him.’_

Yunhyeong sniffs silently, moving his arm to cover his mouth instead. His sobs cannot be heard by anyone anyway, but he does not even want the walls to hear of his pain anymore.

He cries in silence, but not in solitude. Scattered beside him lies six petals of pink carnation.

* * *

**(Red) Camellia - You're a Flame in My Heart**

 

Lately, he’s feeling worse. The others finally notice and worries over him. But he manages to brush it off with his warm and reassuring smile, telling them that he’ll be fine.

_He’ll never be fine._

One afternoon, Yunhyeong manages to convince them that he’ll be fine and that they should grab something to eat. As they leave, his smile falters slightly.

_‘No, I’ll be fine. As long as they won’t find out, I’ll be fine.’_

He closes his eyes, breathing slower now as his chest begins to feel heavy. He can feel it, it’s getting closer now. He should feel angry, sad, scared. But strangely, Yunhyeong feels calm.

Maybe it’s because he already accepted his fate.

His eyes begin to water again as he feels another wave of emotions. He’s selfish, he knows it. But maybe being selfish just this once would be alright. He couldn’t be selfish with him anymore, because he doesn’t have the right to do so.

 _‘We’re not together. But I am my own person, so maybe….just maybe…I can be selfish for myself._ ’

But Yunhyeong is not that selfish. He doesn’t just suddenly leave. No, he already prepared this. Gathering his last ounces of strength, Yunhyeong sits up and reaches over his bedside table, pulling the drawer and takes out six envelops for his six friends. The others have already been sent, it’s just these remaining ones. He then plops back to bed, coughing and wheezing. After catching his breath, he lays out the envelops beside him, smiling softly as he gently pats them. Yunhyeong then closes his eyes, taking a couple of breaths.

 _‘I guess this is it…’_  
Exhaling softly, Yunhyeong opens his eyes and looks around the room one more time. His eyes were feeling heavy, but there’s one more thing that he wanted to do. He takes his phone and unlocks it, going to the gallery. He scrolls through pictures of his friends—of them together. Yunhyeong smiles fondly as a gentle, soothing warmth spreads across his chest, eyes going teary once again as he relives the memories through pictures. He will certainly miss them all, he really will. Maybe his decision is stupid—not wanting to let his feelings go just for him—but then again, Yunhyeong knows that he is a stupid person. And that person makes Yunhyeong do stupid things as well.

But he never blames him.

It’s never his fault.

He pauses at a picture as another coughing fit wrack his body, only this time it becomes stronger. He curls up afterwards, panting heavily as he clenches his chest, his phone pressed against his heart. Holding back a sob, Yunhyeong slowly turns to lie on his back, eyes closed as he tries to calm his rapid heartbeat. He brings a hand to wipe at the saliva trickling down his mouth. He pauses, however, when he smells something different from the liquid. Opening his eyes, Yunhyeong looks down at his hand, blinking slowly as he sees a smudge of red painting his skin. Glancing at the edges of his pillow then down his chest, he sighs.

_‘This is it.’_

Folding his hands on his stomach with his phone facing upward, he closes his eyes and inhales deeply. Exhaling, he opens them slightly to gaze up at the ceiling as seven petals of red camellia keeps him company during his final moments.

_‘I wish I could see him one more time…’_

* * *

**Michaelmas Daisy – Farewell**

 

He knew something was wrong, he felt it days ago. He always wanted to approach him but the other kept avoiding him. It frustrates him, to be honest, and he is also frustrated with himself because he simply lets him get away from him.

But not this time.

 

With the excuse of leaving his phone, he returns back to check on him and hoping that the other could tell him. He enters the place and heads upstairs, softly calling out to him. The response he receives was a violent cough, causing him to panic and run to his room, grabbing the doorknob and forcefully opens the door. “Yunhyeong-hyung!’

Yunhyeong had his eyes closed, his breathing now becoming soft and slow.

_‘I guess it’s not possible to see him once more…’_

A single tear rolls down from his eye, clearing his throat as, biting his lower lip again to prevent a small sob to escape. He was really going to miss all of them. His eyes snap open when he hears a faint call coming from downstairs. He glances at the door, frowning a bit as he listens. Another call, this time louder, and from a voice he knows all too well.

Just by hearing his voice, Yunhyeong begins to cry softly and was about to call back but was interrupted by a violent coughing fit, causing him to curl up into a smaller ball as he feels warm liquid trickling down his chin. He hears him call out to him in panic, followed by frantic footsteps approaching his room, then the door swings open.

Silence.

Yunhyeong is certain that he’s frozen, eyes wide in shock. He has yet to catch his breath from the fit, having no time to wipe the remnants of it. He lets out a weak laugh of relief, slowly looking up at him as his eyesight begins to get blurry.

Amidst the dimness, he can clearly make out those endearing wide eyes staring back at him, his mouth hanging open from shock, eyebrows furrowed upward in disbelief.

_‘He’s here…’_

No words were spoken between the two, only the ragged panting and the soft, nearly inaudible breaths.

The older smiles once more, this time it reaches his eyes. Then he closes them slowly and exhales for the last time.

_‘I will always love you and I will never ever regret loving you, Chanwoo.’_

On his left hand rests the flower head of a single, blood-soaked Michaelmas Daisy.

**Author's Note:**

> when i wrote this, i was feeling really really sad at 2AM so i needed an outlet that bad  
> i've posted this on aff but i also wanted to post it here  
> also, i apologize for how i wrote it. this is the third ever fic that i wrote in my life so i'm so sorry :((  
> i always love the language of flowers and like studying about them. i forgot where i got the meanings from but it's from a book that our library has. and i really wanted to try hanahaki au so i hope i did it right.


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